Etiquette for Wedding Guests
How to Respond to Invitations and Select Gifts for the Happy Couple
Jan 29, 2009
To return the honor of an invitation to take part in the happy couple’s big day, just follow these simple and courteous rules.
Declining a Wedding Invitation
If a guest receives a wedding invitation from a couple and doesn't plan to attend, the guest should respond immediately. Declining early benefits the couple in two ways:
- The couple can invite someone else who they may have not had space to include; and
- The couple can start to finalize their count for the caterer, bartender, seating chart, and so forth.
Couples make responding as easy as possible – most invitations include a simple response card with a stamped, self-addressed envelope. The guest can include a short note, but checking the regret box is usually enough.
Most couples expect at least 30% of invited guests to decline the invitation, so guests should not shy away from informing the bride and groom they cannot attend. Though guests may believe it’s impolite, the sooner they decline, the better. Respond as soon as possible and in any event, respond no later than two weeks before the wedding.
Accepting a Wedding Invitation
Guests who receive wedding invitations and plan to attend should reply affirmatively as soon as possible so the couple can firm up their wedding plans and give the final head count to their vendors.
Some guests hesitate to respond because they wonder if they may bring dates or children to the wedding. Simply look at the envelope to determine who the couple invited. If the couple addressed the invitation to one guest, the couple did not intend for the guest to bring a date. The same applies to invitations that do not specifically invite children: if the couple intended to invite children, the invitation would read “and family” or specifically list the children’s names.
Do not call the couple and solicit invitations for additional guests. Guests should not be offended if their dates or children are not included in the event. Remember that since the couple must pay according to headcount for many aspects of the wedding, including rentals, catering, cake, bartending, and favors, each additional guest represents a significant additional cost.
Remember also that wedding planning involves an intricate web of compromises between the bride and groom and their families. Though most couples would love to include as many people as possible, for most people, this is just financially impractical.
One additional note: guests who are lucky enough to be invited with a date should be sure to write the date's name clearly on the response card so the couple can personalize the escort cards and/or place cards.
Buy an Appropriate Gift
Whether or not they attend the wedding, all invited guests should buy a gift for the couple. Try not to bring the gift to the couple’s reception, as the couple may be departing immediately for the honeymoon and the wedding party may have to stay late at the reception to collect and transport the gifts. The general rule is that guests have up to one year post-wedding to give the couple a gift.
Though guests may want to send a personalized gift, they should always keep the couple’s wish list in mind and try to select a gift from the couple’s registry. Most couples visit one or more stores and spend a great deal of time choosing the very things they need to complete their collection of housewares.
Even if most guests have known the bride for ten years or more, they may not know the contents of her cupboards (or what the groom might be bringing to the table). Most couples are considerate of their guests’ finances and carefully select gifts that fall within a broad price range. If guests have difficulty selecting something from the list, it’s perfectly acceptable to send the couple a gift card.
Finally, even if it is a second wedding, guests should treat the couple as if it is their first.
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